It was the best of times ... it was the worst of times ... I never really cared all that much for Dickens but today I can relate to that ... and the name of my blog.
Last night my first grandchild was born. She is so beautiful and after holding her for 5 minutes I fell as deeply in love with her as I did with each of my children the first time I held them. New life brings hope and joy and excitement.
At the same time, I am involved in a rather bitter family feud, which has caused hard feelings the likes of which I didn't think were possible. People I never thought would take sides have taken sides and I feel like an outsider in my own family. No one knows what started the feud except, I suppose, for the person who refuses to speak to me. And I'm a fixer. I've always been a fixer.
I've also been out of work since the middle of June and our savings has been subsidizing our mortgage payments since I've been unemployed. As the savings dwindles and we face the fact that our house is now worth less than we currently owe, we wonder what God is trying to teach us.
It seems for the second time in my life, God is telling me that I can't fix any of this. It's totally and completely out of my control and I must relinquish it to Him and let go of it. I don't know why that is so hard for me but I confess I have a real problem with it.
More than a decade ago when I faced my greatest trial - my separation and divorce - I had no trouble letting go and trusting God. So why is it so hard for me this time?
This morning a person I care very deeply about became so angry with me that I've been crying for most of the rest of the day, except for the brief time I held my precious new granddaughter and visited with her parents.
I love lemonade, but I seem to have run out of sugar and this latest batch is very bitter. I just can't seem to figure out what God is trying to say to me and for the first time in my life I find myself praying that He will give me enough faith to trust Him. I've never had to do that before and it bothers me that now He seems not to be answering me.
When I created this blog it was with the intention of helping people who were going through similar situations to what I went through when my husband left me. Now it seems that I am the one needing help, not really knowing where to turn for it. So I will reach for a little pile of note cards I created back then.
You know how there are times when you don't seem to know how to pray and you open your Bible and stare at the pages and don't seem to find anything that helps? Well, I had many days like that but I also had many days where I was lucid and things just seemed to jump off the page, aimed straight at my heart. In those lucid moments, I created note cards, color coded: yellow for happy passages (because yellow is the color of sunshine, of course), blue for when I'm feeling blue, green for verses that give advice for living, purple for promises, etc. Any time I couldn't focus, I could grab that little stack of cards and read through them, getting just what I needed at that moment.
I know, for example, that God has promised not to give us any trials that are too great to bear, but will with each trial, also provide a way to escape, that we may be able to bear it (I Cor. 10:13, Jeanette's paraphrase). I know He has promised that if we trust Him and lean not on our own understanding, He will direct our paths (Proverbs 3:5-6) and that if we wait on the Lord, He will renew our strength so we can mount up with wings like Eagles; walk without becoming weary; run and not faint (Isaiah 40:31).
Today those verses comfort me, yet I find myself unable to bear these trials, unable to see His light on my path and I feel like a pig stuck in mud, not an eagle soaring above life's troubles.
I guess I'm asking you to pray for me. I am so thankful for all of the many blessings in my life, including little Adelaide Zoe (and Rex Gary, who will be born within the week!), but it's so difficult to keep my focus off of the bad stuff. I need to trust Him not only when it's easy to trust - when everything is going my way - but also when it's hard to trust - when the money runs out and we have to figure out where we're going to live if I don't find a job ...
Right now the sweet is OH so sweet and the bitter: well, I nearly can't swallow it. I know that He will never leave me. I just wish I felt His presence more than I do right now...
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