Lessons from Mom ...

I learned a lot of things from my mom.  I learned how to make perfect lump-free gravy every single time, and how to make the best cream sauce you'll ever taste.  I learned how to set a table and how to properly make a bed.  I learned that it's not enough to vacuum around the furniture, you have to move it and vacuum under it or your house won't really be clean.  I learned how to sew and play the piano and take care of babies ...

Quite possibly the most important lessons my mother ever taught me she taught not with words but by living out her beliefs every single day of her life.  One of these lessons was that it makes absolutely no sense to worry about something over which you have no control.  I once watched in horror as my mother calmly commanded us to stand back while she grabbed pot holders and carried a flaming casserole from the oven to the sink.  I would come home from school occasionally and find her at the kitchen table just calmly and patiently waiting for someone to come home and call an ambulance because her arm had come out of the socket and she couldn't get it back in by herself.  I don't believe I ever saw any evidence that my mother ever worried about anything.  Her trust in God was not something any of us took for granted.  We knew she trusted Him for everything in her life.

I have always prided myself on being just like her in that regard.  I'm an eternal optimist.  I'm the cheerleader when others are stewing about whether it will rain, whether they'll be on time to an appointment, whether the stock market will crash, etc. etc...

So the past month or so has left me feeling perplexed because I find myself in a constant state of worry.  I worry that no one will ever want to hire me because I'm over 50 years old.  I worry that we will lose our house because we can't afford the mortgage.  

This past week brought worry to a whole new level for me.  My brand new baby granddaughter was just perfect for four whole days and we passed her around and held her and she never fussed or complained no matter who's arms she found herself in.  She is the most beautiful little thing you've ever seen.  But overnight last Sunday her mom had a pain in her leg and happened to mention it to the nurse.  Since Adelaide was born by c-section, they decided to get an ultra sound just to make sure it wasn't a blood clot, and asked daddy if he would like to go with her to radiology.  He said he would, and that Adelaide would be fine in the nursery while they were gone.

It turned out that there was nothing wrong with Dawn's leg and by the time they got around to the ultra sound, the pain was gone.  However, while Adelaide was in the nursery, a nurse came on duty who had seen her the previous day and notice her color was a little off.  She immediately sounded an alarm and the head of the NICU happened to be on the floor and was at her side within 30 seconds.

Adelaide was born with a congenital heart defect called Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome.  In layman's terms, the left side of her heart (the side that pumps blood to the pulmonary arteries to be oxygenated) is under developed and doesn't work properly.  She needs life-saving surgery as soon as possible.

Later that day - on what would have been the day they took her home - she was transferred to Children's Memorial hospital where she remains today, waiting to have the first of what will be a series of 3 operations to build her a working heart.  The first was supposed to take place last Friday but she developed a staph infection, which is now being treated with IV antibiotics and if all goes well, it is now tentatively scheduled for this Wednesday.

To say I am worried about Adelaide is a gross understatement.  Yes, I know she's in God's hands.  Yes, I know that He loans us our children for a short time and will take them when He wants them back.  I know all that in my head, but in my heart I cry out "Abba, Father" and beg Him not to take this precious little one away from us.

Church was emotional this morning, not only because the pastor prayed for her and for her parents and Peter and me, but it seemed like every bit of worship tugged at my heart strings.

The prelude was Great is Thy Faithfulness, which brings me back around to my mom.  In 1999, my parents celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary and like all good children do, we threw them a party.  My parents asked me to sing at the party and they wanted me to sing Great is Thy Faithfulness because it was the theme of their marriage.  Every step of the way, God had been faithful to them.  Two years later my mom went home to be with her Savior and my dad asked me to sing it again at her funeral.  To this day I can no longer sing Great is Thy Faithfulness without getting just a little teary, and this morning I thought not only of my mom, but also of Adelaide.

The special music was In Christ Alone.  I have always loved that song but this morning I was particularly moved by the phrase "From life's first cry to final breath, Jesus commands my destiny ..."

I guess you could say I'm having a bit of a crisis of faith.  I'm having so much trouble trusting God with little Adelaide and I can't figure out why.  Obviously there isn't anything I can do for her other than pray and hold her and sing to her and be there for her parents when they need me.  I can't do a single thing to fix the situation.  But I love that little girl so much and it just breaks my heart to see her hooked up to all those tubes and wires.   

And I know that God's promises to us are often conditional - when He promises to do something for us, it is in response to us obeying something He has asked us to do.  "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not unto your own understanding.  In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths."  So if I'm having trouble trusting Him, is it any wonder I can't seem to see His light on my footpath?  I pray for guidance and I can't seem to hear His answers.  

I pray daily that He will give me enough faith to trust Him.  I know it only takes as much as a grain of mustard.  I told my husband the other day that I feel a bit like Jonah - as if all this stuff that's going on with Adelaide is my fault because I'm not hearing what God has to say to me and I'm not paying attention to His leading in my life. I want to scream, "Throw me overboard and she'll be okay!"  

In my head I know that's not true.  I know that whatever happens with Adelaide, God will use the situation to bring glory to Himself.  I know that He is sovereign and He knows what He is doing and I know that He gave Dawn the pain in her leg that led to the diagnosis in the first place.  The rational side of me knows He wouldn't have done that if He didn't have some mighty big plans for this tiny girl's life.  I know all that in my head, but my heart is broken and I can't seem to look at her picture without tears welling up in my eyes.  In other words, I'm worried ... about something I have no control over.  

How do I get past that?  How do I let go of the trials in my life and let God have complete control of them?  How do you physically cast your cares upon Him?  What is involved in that process of tossing it up to Him so the burden is lifted?  I guess I'm starting to realize that I've had a really easy life and until now I've never needed to do that.  

And how can I feel happy for my daughter who gave birth to a beautiful healthy baby boy this week?  I feel guilty for being happy for her because of what my son and his wife are going through.  Bitter and sweet.  That seems to be a theme of my life of late.  In the midst of it all, I do know that He is faithful.  I know that God is good all the time and all the time God is good.  I know that He has a perfect plan and the outcome will be as He wills it to be.  I guess I just need my head to convince my heart and the feelings will sort themselves out.  Meanwhile your prayers are most appreciated!

Adelaide Zoe Birkland

Rex Gary Caffall